Uncontrollable feelings. The only thing they’re good for, at least in my life, is writing.
Lets be honest, I think I have my feelings under control.
As I grow, it becomes more difficult to control them..
Maybe because I’m aware of so much more, maybe I begin to experience emotions that I’d never come across before.
Thats it. Emotions we’ve never experienced before.
I’ve been experiencing it the past 2 weeks.
I literally feel physical pain from heart break.
I’m admitting this because I’ve never experienced it before.
I’m admitting this because I’m not afraid to look weak.
I’m admitting this because I’ve watched others go through it, & could never relate.
I’m sure everyones experience is somewhat different.
I feel confused.
I feel betrayed.
I feel let down.
& I’ll be honest, a little rejected.
I’m admitting this because I know I’m not perfect.
I’m admitting this because we’re allowed to feel.
I’m admitting this because once you know what you’re dealing with, thats when you are able to fight.
I feel confused, but I’m confused about something I cannot control & maybe I’ll never have answers for.
Though the truth in this is, I know Gods in control, and I know he has the answers. He may not reveal the answers to me, that is why he is in control, & not me.
I feel betrayed, but only by a human, sure its unfortunate, I care for them.
Though the truth in this is, God remains, he is the same yesterday, today & forever.
I feel let down, but who in this world is perfect, who in this word doesn’t make mistakes.
Through the truth in this is, he has come that we may have life & life abundantly. He has a plan that we may prosper, & not to harm, to give hope & a future.
I feel rejected. I know this feeling well, it’s not the first time I’ve known it. Though I’m thankful to had experienced this before, it no longer has hold of me, even though at times like this is may creep in. I know that
“It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed”
Though I may feel all these feelings, that add up to what is heart break for me. My eyes are opened and my heart is healing, because I know who I am in him, & I know that he is in control.
I may feel heartbreak
& these feelings may first appear uncontrollable.
Though there’s something greater.
To know the truth, sets you free.
I always used to write. I havnt in quite some time. Why I am not sure. Maybe I got sick of thinking about things. I only write when I think a lot.
Lately I’ve been wanting to write. Regardless of not thinking too much into things. However in the past 12 months I’ve come to learn a very significant thing about myself. & it’s this very thing that I want to write about. I write to help myself understand myself, & in hope that what I write helps people realised how important self awareness is, when to question why, and when to know to just move on without questioning.
& just like that. I write to help not only myself but others. This brings me to why I write today.
I’m a people pleaser.
I’m honestly not entirely sure what that means in society.
I find myself concerned that people I care about, admire, love & cherish..may not feel the same way back.
At times I stuff up. Don’t we all.
At times I feel maybe I don’t do enough. Enough for others.
At times I favour some. More than others.
At the end of the day. I question. Does this person like me?
Does this person want to know me?
Will that person still be my friend if?
Would this person still do for me if I couldn’t give in return?
I’m not afraid of insecurity & this I’m glad. If I’m aware of something, at least I know what I’m then up against.
To some I’m intimidating.
To others I may seem insecure.
Take it how you like.
It’s the reason that I write.
I write so people know my heart. Despite the words that come out of my mouth, the actions I may take or the looks that are perceived. I write just so people know; my real heart.
So while I try to please you all. Bear with me. It’s only because I care. I want to love anyone, & everyone. Only because I care.
At times I feel ignorant. I see the good in everyone, even if they don’t see it in themselves. No one can win over every person they meet, personalities clash & interests lack.
I’m still learning that I can’t please everyone. I only wish I could. All because I care.
To know that you’re healed by his stripes is one thing.
To actually live in that healing is a whole other world.
To know that I can live in that healing is something that just recently I’ve experienced.
Without the vision to see.
I’ve been wounded.
Deeper than I could comprehend
Like most of us, we find ways to deal, cope, and forget about the hurt.
The pain. The broken heart.
Though just when you think you’re walking in freedom
Or someone lets you down.
Surely & painfully, like salt to a wound.
It hurts. It stings. It almost takes your breath away.
Now. It’s nice to know I can breath.
No longer does it hurt.
Now he gives me breath.
In all that I feel. At times where a wound used to hurt. A peace sinks in.
This is real love. This is real freedom.
This is healing.
I have come to know a peace that the world cannot give me.
I have come to know a love that I did nothing to deserve.
I have come to walk a path that has been made before me.
I have come to experience freedom in knowing I’m not in control.
I have come to know that my saviour is far greater.
He is far greater than my imagination
He is far greater than any circumstance
He is far greater than any of my failures.
His love is far greater than any other. This I proclaim
because his great love
I live in it.
Today I’m thankful for lots of things.
Today I’m rather thankful for restoration.
actually most of the time,
I don’t begin friendships how I would like
& sometimes they don’t even go where I would like.
Until I give it away,
until I believe in restoration.
Sometimes I don’t do things right, actually most of the time.
Though every time, I see restoration in the friendships and relationships in my life.
Some happen faster than other times.
Though I know
& I am thankful
That restoration is here.
So, there’s a joy. That I can’t explain. Other than the Joy of the Lord.
Have you ever experienced break through, in an area that you don’t even know where, or how, or when.
There’s a season for everything under heaven.
What season are you in?
I am laughing & I am dancing
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance
I havn’t written in a while & in the past 12 months, honestly it hasn’t been a desire. I think eventually my desire to write is coming back. Thankfully.
So here I am. I’ve started writing more in my own person journal too, maybe a sneak peak will appear on my blog at some stage this year.
This year is a new journey for me. I graduated nursing last year and in 2 weeks time I would have begun my first full time job as a registered nurse. Nerves havn’t kicked in yet…Its really just excitement for now.
Emily and I have been blessed with a beautiful house only a block away from Maroubra beach. Can’t explain how thankful I am.
So right now, with a week away until I move in. I’m sorting out the past 5 years of papers, letters, clothes, memories & all that has been a part of my life.
Trying to begin the simple life.
Cull all that I don’t need & put it behind me. Excited for the new journey & culling the old. Makes me think.
Continuely I am trying to cull the old and look forward to the new, there are always those things that I’m meant to cull finding their way into my future. Not sure whether or not this is a good thing or not.
Though this time, the cull is a good one.
Lets see how simple it can get.
This journey is going to be better than the rest. I can’t wait.
& basically. I am just stoked that God has made a way for me to walk it.
I want to write. Just so you know. I will accept you. No matter what. I do want to get to know you.
I want to write. Just so you know. You shouldn’t be intimidated by me. I’m just confident. I do want to get to know you.
These two things. They make me ponder. What do people really think of me.
So often I hear people are intimidated by me.
So often I hear people are afraid to tell me who they really are.
I want to tell you. I will accept you. There’s nothing you’ve done, you’ve thought, you’ve said or you’ve been through that will make me think any less, nor will make me want to know you any less.
We may not enjoy the same food.
We may not enjoy the same sports.
We may not agree on most things.
There’s not a person in my life I’ve come across, that despite the differences, despite the past and despite our futures, that I will not accept.
Sometimes I wonder.
Actually always I wonder.
I think a lot.
I always like to know why.
I question the things I probably shouldn’t.
I just let be the things I should probably question.
Today I wonder.
As I have many times before.
I wonder about communication.
I wonder about honesty.
I wonder about trust.
I wonder if people just do
& I wonder if people think.
I’ve come to realise that honesty, communication and trust are more than important to me. I realise how important they are to maintain friendships, and any relationship I have in my life.
I’ve been hurt by the truth many times, only to realise that regardless of the hurt, the truth has developed trust.
I trust those that aren’t afraid to hurt me, in order to be honest to me. I appreciate each and every person in my life that tells me how it is.
To be honest.
I started writing this blog coming from a heart that hurts, & one that feels betrayed.
Whilst as usual I’ve learnt a valuable lesson through situations that have lead this heart to hurt, as God does…he protects me & as romans 8:28 says. ”We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him”
To know that I can trust God. To know that I can know the truth. To know that I am covered by amazing leaders, that will be honest, that will communicate and that I can trust. This is what I’ve come to realise.
After I wonder.
I come to a conclusion.
One I didn’t set out for.
Though one that God had already set out for me.
So when I sit
& I wonder why.
He always shows me.
He shows me why.
Or he shows me why I don’t need to know why.
He is truth. & I trust him.